December 9, 2024

Op-Ed: For victims of intimate partner violence, holidays are not so fun

Doris Maldonado Mendez | Opinion Contributor; CT Mirror; Dec. 2, 2024

With the election behind us, the holidays are now upon us and children dream of Magi bearing gifts. But, for many in Connecticut, checking that list twice means something different. It means prepping a “to-go” bag, making a reservation – with preservation and survival in mind.

For them, the victims of intimate partner violence, it’s the most dangerous time of the year.

Over 30,000 of our neighbors in Connecticut simply hope to remain unseen, unheard and safe from violence this holiday season. Studies have shown that abusers are more likely to murder their partners and others in the wake of personal crises, lost jobs or financial setbacks. People with disabilities are five times more likely to experience IPV, making up a third of its victims, according to the Government Accountability Office. 

As a single parent of children with developmental disabilities, a Latina born with disabilities and as a former domestic violence crisis counselor who survived domestic abuse, I’ve seen the socioeconomic challenges of stability, safety, access and inclusion, couch surfing and a list longer than most wish lists any Santa would fathom –  the trauma remains stitched in the depths of my soul. 

Survivors are forced to adapt while attempting to assimilate holiday cheer, loving thy neighbor, civic duties, being good for goodness sake and praying daily for more than just one Silent Night. 

The need to assist survivors provided me with enough bravery and solace to become a bilingual voice for peers without a choice.  A year after relocating to Connecticut, I became a volunteer crisis counselor at the Prudence Crandall Center for Domestic Violence. PCC provided training and opportunity to directly serve and advocate for civil rights while directly supporting and ensuring victims’ rights.  

I worked with court staff, agencies, school systems, housing, health and faith-based services to ensure wrap-around safety and opportunity in a linguistically accessible way.  I learned that there are actually fewer reported incidents of IPV around the holidays because of increased safety concerns when victims are in greater contact with their perpetrator. 

It was when I became a bilingual court advocate, serving Latiné victims, that I realized it wasn’t necessarily the holidays that stopped people from reporting, but rather the cultural behavioral trauma, dread of mortality and self sacrifice because of the perceived best interest of the child. Intimate partner violence remains a systemic failure of protection laced with anticipatory grief for those that fail to appear before the court when informed that they would have to relive the violence, face their abuser and prove their abuse beyond a reasonable doubt. 

There is a notable difference in disability-related intimate partner violence. People with disabilities who require the support of a caregiver worry that they will be moved from their home into institutions if they report abuse, and those with cognitive disabilities are more likely to endure abuse.  Having disabilities increases our probability of higher lifetime prevalence in experiencing intimate partner abuse than people without disabilities.  We experience violent crime at twice the rate of people without disabilities and are three times more likely to be sexually assaulted than people without disabilities.  

A survey conducted by the Spectrum Institute Disability and Abuse Project found that 70% of respondents with disabilities experienced some form of abuse by an intimate partner, family member, caregiver, acquaintance or stranger. Of those, more than 87% experienced verbal or emotional abuse, 50% experienced physical abuse, 41% experienced sexual abuse, 37% experienced neglect,  31% experienced financial abuse and 37% reported the abuse to law enforcement. Alleged perpetrators were arrested in only 10% of abuse cases reported to law enforcement.

Imagine having life-saving medication withheld, forced isolation and unwanted sexual contact, withheld physical accommodations or destroying assistive devices, financial exploitation, verbal and psychological abuse, threats of public humiliation and intimidation, physical violence, or physically harming a service animal. 

A study by the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey reported that 27% of Hispanic/Latina women have experienced domestic or sexual violence at least once in our lifetime. Latinas with disabilities have a higher lifetime prevalence of experiencing abuse than people without disabilities. We experience violent crime at twice the rate of people without disabilities. We are three times more likely to be sexually assaulted than people without disabilities.

Linguistic barriers, cultural gender norms, lack of confidence, feelings of guilt, threat, shame and limited availability of formal support have been just a few of the many factors resulting in these disparities. The disadvantage that members of the Hispanic/Latine community face is twofold: an institutional system that promises inclusion but does not provide linguistic access, and exclusion from mechanisms of government aid during these unprecedented times. 

Latiné survivors experience internalized stigma about negative stereotypes and identities. We experience daily anticipated stigma, concerned with what others might say or think and what would happen as a result if others found out about the abuse. Victim shaming, questioning our lived experience, fear, provocation, not prioritizing family’s reputation or attention seeking are often reactions when refuge is sought.

Intimate partner violence survivors share the human right to liberty, safety, work, worship, fresh air and holiday celebrations, all the while pursuing happiness with disabilities. 

With the hustle and bustle of the holidays, avoidance, indifference and anticipation, oftentimes the abuse is invisible to the spectator. Only a keen eye, with lived experience, can validate and know the tell-tale signs of palpable fear, seized trauma and suffocating shame, because we honor them as familiar and sacred.  You are not alone. In the glimpses of light in shadows, we pray collectively.  

Reach out for safety, especially with little ones to protect.  If you need to flee, grab your “to-go bag” with important documents, medication, treatments and devices. There is shelter and support. 

If you need to seek help:

Interval House, founded in 1977, is the largest agency in the state dedicated to ending domestic violence. It offers immediate and compassionate support to about 6,500 victims of domestic violence per year in 24 cities and towns—all at no charge. Free and confidential services 24-hour Hotline: 860-838-8467, Emergency Safe House, Safety planning and counseling, Support groups, Court advocacy, Youth programming & Community education and outreach. Spanish information available.

Prudence Crandall Center was the first domestic violence program in our state and is the only program serving the communities of Berlin, Bristol, Burlington, Kensington, New Britain, Plainville, Plymouth, Southington, and Terryville, with 28 units of supportive housing open to survivors from throughout the state. Services include a 24-hour crisis hotline, emergency shelter, housing placement services, court advocacy, counseling, and community education and prevention services. For additional information about Prudence Crandall Center or to donate, please visit www.prudencecrandall.org. To access the 24-hour hotline, call or text 888-774-2900. All services are free and confidential.

Doris Maldonado Mendez is a member of the Connecticut Mirror’s Community Editorial Board. All of the Community Editorial Board’s works are available here. The members’ opinions are theirs alone and not those of Connecticut News Project, Inc. or The Connecticut Mirror, which take no institutional positions on public policy.

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